A Guest Essay by an anonymous Plural Wife
(excerpted from Voices in Harmony: Contemporary Women Celebrate Plural Marriage)
“Many people, especially women, don’t understand how several wives can live and work in harmony and at the same time share the affections of one man. The trouble is they don’t understand the religion of the polygamists.” (Elizabeth Lauritzen, Hidden Flowers: The Life, Letters, and Poetry of Jacob Marinus Lauritzen and His Wife Annie Pratt Gardner (LDS Family History Library, 1968), p.103
How do intelligent women ever come to believe in and practice plural marriage? What is the compelling attraction that enables a woman to share the affections of her husband with his other wife or wives? Why would any woman freely choose it? Ever since Joseph Smith, Jr, the founder of Mormonism, revealed the principle of plural marriage, these questions have been asked. They probably can never be fully answered by just one individual. Perhaps it will take the voices of many women to adequately answer these questions.
There are, however, certain beliefs that common among women (and men) who choose to practice plural marriage and who actually claim to prefer it to monogamy. Most women who enter into plural marriage do so because they are converted to the concept that plural marriage offers them the opportunity to attain, with their husbands, the highest blessings God offers.
Before a woman willingly goes against her feelings, cultural traditions and social prejudices, she is generally convinced of the following beliefs:
1. She believes that plural marriage is a divine and holy law, absolutely essential, not optional, for the rewards promised.
2. She believes that it is essential for her to live plural marriage in this life, not just in some future state. This requires a deep commitment to God, to her husband and to each wife.
3. She believes that a monogamous marriage, even though it may be solemnized in a temple, is insufficient for her to achieve the promised rewards.
4. She believes that plural marriage is the only type of marriage that can continue beyond death.
5. She believes that God has provided a way for her to practice plural marriage now with legitimate priesthood authority.
6. She believes that plural marriage is a pure and holy principle and that only persons who aspire to high moral standards can acceptably live it before God.
7. She believes plural marriage is one of the laws of God designed to help her achieve her full potential, including her rightful status as a goddess in conjunction with her husband as a god. This is reflected in the Biblical passage “neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” (1 Cor. 11:11)
8. She believes that plural marriage is an eternal and necessary component of the religion established by the Prophet Joseph Smith and that it exists within a framework of personal covenants with God which bind individuals and families into a covenant people. Therefore, complying with the law of plural marriage will help prepare and qualify her to assist in the perpetuation of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the establishment of God’s Kingdom on the earth.
9. She believes that the rewards for living plural marriage within the above context are immense and worth the effort.
10. She believes that she is entitled to divine, personal direction throughout her life, and that such guidance is necessary to learn whether she is approved of God to live plural marriage and to help her select a husband. Each of these ten beliefs can be said to constitute the general operating foundation for most Fundamentalist Mormon women who embrace plural marriage.
Purity in Plural Marriage
Perhaps the most difficult concept to understand is that the degree of sexual restraint required in plural marriage is completely opposite from what is generally imagined - in particular, the idea of indulgent sexual practices. (This is why Fundamentalist Mormons prefer the terms plural marriage, celestial marriage or patriarchal marriage, instead of the term polygamy.) Premarital sex, extra-marital sex, or cohabitation outside the marriage covenant are considered serious departures from religious belief. In reality, plural marriage comprehends a strict standard of morality for both sexes and is intended to cultivate the highest integrity in matters of love and affection.
The powers of procreation are regarded by Fundamentalist Mormons as sacred, not sinful, within marriage. Expressions of mutual affection and the desire for children are the focal points of intimacy. Each marriage is a separate, private relationship. That a couple’s intimacy be shared in any way with other wives or with anyone else is considered inappropriate. The wives in the family may love each other deeply and become close friends, but they do not share a romantic or sexual relationship.
A plural family generally starts with the foundation of the marriage of the husband to his first wife. The addition of a second marriage is not intended to alter the basic partnership of the first couple. Rather, it brings another dimension to the familial circle. This often requires adjustments by all parties to achieve a desired balance, as is the case with each additional wife. Achieving balance is an ongoing process.
The Rewards of Plural Marriage
Like a monogamous family, a plural family inevitably takes on a character of its own as it develops. In its infancy it needs nourishment, attention, patience, comfort, unselfishness, awareness and love. In some cases, it experiences “the terrible twos,” childish tantrums, selfishness and stubbornness. Family members learn when to give, when to take, when to let go and when to hold fast. As with many families, there are moments of exhaustion and depression, when expectations crash and burn.
However, with enough loving devotion and adherence to all other laws of God, a plural family can become consistent yet adaptable - a nurturing environment that promotes fulfillment, security and growth. Because of this rich family environment, it is believed that a plural marriage provides the best platform for development, enabling a woman to become the ultimate female: a wife, a mother, a queen, a priestess, a goddess - in every sense these words imply. Such personal empowerment with her husband and sisterwives is more than an abstract achievement. As the family learns to participate with God in the salvation of all His children, the wives are no longer mere recipients of blessings, but gradually they become givers of blessings. To Fundamentalist Mormons, the attainment of such faith is ultimate empowerment. It is interdependent patriarchy and matriarchy; one cannot exist without the other. It is a perfect union, a perfect balance of the eternal feminine and masculine.
With this vision at the outset, a woman enters plural marriage with a willingness to endure possible consequences of temporal inconvenience, the contempt of society and the ever-looming possibility of persecution and prosecution. As she grows through experiences and learns how to apply Gospel principles in the face of trials and challenges, her ability is increased to cope, overcome and triumph. Through this process her convictions can grow strong enough that, even if her husband or marriage fails, she will subsequently choose plural marriage with another family. It is when this hope or vision is lost that women leave the plural marriage lifestyle.
The Freedom of Choice in Plural Marriage
It is a common misconception that discontented women who want to leave plural marriages must “escape” or be ‘rescued’ from such relationships - that they are not free to leave on their own. In most cases, this is inaccurate. In many covenant-based societies, where religious commitment to God is essential and sacred, individual actions that compromise such commitments are regarded with disdain. This is true among Fundamentalist Mormons, just as it is true for members of the LDS Church. Since they consider the covenant of marriage as holy, divorce is considered a very serious step - yet it is sometimes necessary. Thus the emphasis among most Fundamentalist Mormons (as it is in the LDS Church) is to save marriages whenever possible.
As many women attest who have first lived in monogamy and then in polygamy, the problems that arise in plural marriage are not all that different from those faced by a monogamous couple. (Differences can be compounded, however, because of the added dimension of multiple relationships.) The main reasons for leaving a plural marriage are usually the same reasons a woman has for leaving a monogamous marriage. If a husband has committed a serious offense, such as beating a wife or committing adultery, a woman may actually be encouraged to leave the marriage and marry elsewhere “within the faith” so that she can keep her covenants to God. If a woman wants to leave the marriage and her religion, naturally she is encouraged not to do so, but neither is she forced to stay.
Leaving a plural marriage under any circumstances can be complex, just as in monogamous divorces. There are few win-win solutions when families break apart. Sometimes, however, leaving a plural marriage is easier, simply because most of them do not involve the added entanglement of lawyers and courts.
It is sometimes interpreted that females are considered lesser beings in Mormonism, or that Mormon patriarchy - of which plural marriage is a part - is inherently demeaning to women. However, Fundamentalist Mormons believe that the Prophet Joseph Smith’s full religious intent was to establish a covenant society wherein both men and women could ultimately know God for themselves, become joint heirs with Jesus Christ and thus be empowered in the ongoing salvation of their posterity and the rest of the human family.
From this perspective, Fundamentalist Mormon women have little interest in today’s feminist movement, per se, and some of its expressions of liberation. To them, such expressions are shallow by comparison. Rather than oppression, plural marriage is perceived as a key to true freedom both in this life and in the hereafter.
