The strengths and needs of polygamous families are similar to those found in every family to some degree, ie, dependent entirely upon the individuals participating. The same variety of people exists in plural marriage that exists in monogamy. The purpose of this paper is to foster cultural understanding of polygamous families in general. The following are taken from my own experiences or observations of many families living in plural marriage.

Possible needs/challenges that may occur in Plural Marriage (polygamy):

Confusion and misery can result when plural marriage is entered into for the sake of parental approval, God’s approval, tradition, acceptance in community or family, or any of the expectations that often accompany a desire to have a relationship with a principle or person you are attracted to (without understanding the spiritual commitment required, or without one’s own commitment).

When one of the wives has a stronger personality or insecurities, and the husband isn’t strong enough to assert leadership in the family, it creates difficulty and confusion for the whole family.

Commitment to spiritual, personal growth must be solid in order to find happiness. Insecurities are often faced in day-to-day interactions.

Spontaneity and free expression are not always supported when a competitive attitude prevails.

Some wives have a need to keep track of what the husband does with others and require him to be totally equal with them.

Any romance in the relationship should be kept discreet so as to establish and maintain trust and mutual respect among sister-wives. Otherwise, feelings of betrayal and jealousy abound.

When a husband is so focused on providing for and protecting so many, it may limit his individual time with family members. Sometimes a husband responds mostly to those with the strongest personalities.

If mother is unhappy or overwhelmed with duties, it is hard for her to take sufficient time with each child. She may have difficulty asking for, or even accepting help when it is offered.

In any patriarchal system, when the husband sees himself as God, but doesn’t exercise the attributes of Godliness, there may be tyranny, but it only continues if the wives support it. Otherwise, he finds himself outnumbered and eventually (if he doesn’t change) alone.

The belief that there must be suffering in this life to gain blessings in afterlife supports a victim mentality, which allows tyranny as a way of life.

Poverty may be considered more ethical than a heavy debt, and/or the belief that one must be poor to be worthy may keep the family struggling financially.

Disapproval of society is perceived as a threat to the family because of laws, preventing free expression and/ or any desire to reach out beyond family or community. There is always a risk of losing jobs, customers, friends, and human rights in dealing with people from outside the culture.

The belief that if you are persecuted, it means you are righteous or worthy, perpetuates defensive behavior.

Some communities feel they have been forced to isolate themselves for survival, which creates an environment of fear, potentially resulting in a greater degree of control, secrecy, abuse, and fanaticism.

The strengths of plural marriage from a child’s point of view:

Devoted parents. The commitment in the religious belief is to raise “righteous”, moral children. Good parenting skills are modeled with opportunities for children to participate.

The question is often asked, “How can parents have a good relationship with each child when there are so many children?” Ideally, each child is wanted, cherished and appreciated. Each child adds a new dimension to the family, and more people to love.

While young, children’s needs are met by many. They usually have friends and playmates, someone to help them or talk to.

It is a special event when Dad comes home, children are taught to appreciate that he lives and works hard for their well-being. The time spent with him is precious and respect is encouraged.

Children learn many skills while young such as the following:

Children learn to think for themselves.

Self discipline, cooperation, and social skills are developed early.

Children helping each other promotes bonding and teaches them to be responsible as adults.

Girls and boys are exposed more to the needs and joys of children/babies, without the full responsibility, so that assuming that responsibility as adults is not so threatening.

The goal of the family is eternal relationships which encourages respect, cooperation, and support of family members, which may engender more stable relationships as adults.

Children see a model of many family members having similar values, creating a bond of safety working together for the good of the family and community.

Strengths from a young woman’s point of view:

Young men and women are taught to pray for Divine guidance in their selection of a mate.

If a young woman seeks to enter into marriage with an established family, she has the advantage, before making a commitment, of observing how a man currently interacts with his family and of her prospective mate’s skills, stability, and responsibility as a husband and father.

The relationship is based on a spiritual commitment including eternal covenants. Because of this, most polygamous marriages seem to endure many of the challenges under which relationships based on romance, finance, social status, or convenience often crumble.

Women often find it to be an advantage not to have the husband with her every day. The aspect of plural marriage provides her some of the freedoms of a single life while still enjoying the stability of a solid marriage. Time away from a husband allows her friendship and bonding, especially with other women who give each other emotional and physical support.

In plural marriage, the patriarchal structure can provide strong leadership with democratic family support and respect for the traditional roles of each member.